different when i do it, vol. 1
monthly advice from my past to your present
Anonymous asks…
“How do you handle sobriety during the holidays? Work parties, family stuff, New Year’s Eve…I don’t want to drink, but it’s a lot.”
tw: addiction
Let’s start here: In the movie 28 Days starring Sandra Bullock, the main character (an alcoholic) ruins her sister’s wedding by knocking over the cake and then driving a limo into the side of her house. I’m not spoiling anything - this is the first act.
A lot of people dislike this movie, but I found it relatable because I once did something similar. In 2011, I ruined Christmas by 1. drinking too much white wine and crashing my car into a parked church van, 2. getting arrested, and 3. having my mugshot slapped on the cover of a local gas station rag called The Slammer that was distributed all over town. Like Sandra's character, I, too, was sent to court-ordered rehab, where I befriended a cast of ragtag characters and learned so much about myself along the way.
I would not get truly sober for 10 more years.
For the better part of the 2020s, I’ve been alcohol-free. This seems like it would change the whole holiday experience, but as it turns out, that’s actually not true. Yes, there are boozy work holiday parties and spiked eggnog and a reason to drink on every branch of the family tree, but as with any other occasion, my solution is this:
Give yourself something else to look forward to.
I could give you advice on how to process your trauma or find peace in your self-identity, but it’s already December, so we’re kind of pressed for time. One thing is for sure: the mind will struggle to focus on drinking when it is effectively distracted by something that’s also good.
It doesn’t have to be something good for you, just better for you ever so slightly. A tiramisu might have just as much sugar as a gin & tonic, but lady fingers never made me pee my pants in the parking lot of the afters. So it’s a net upgrade.
Here are some of my most effective holiday distractions by venue:
For the family home:
Cooking
Eating sweets
Crocheting
Being irrationally competitive during charades
Manipulating a relative who is kind of drunk into spilling family lore
Making elaborate mocktails
Watching classic movies with a variety of snacks & sodas surrounding my body
Hanging out with the little kids***
Going to bed early
***This is the ultimate cheat code. Kids know how to enjoy the holidays without alcohol because they’ve never had it! Remember that era? Play hide-and-go-seek, dance, get them to do stuff for you in exchange for extremely small amounts of money, separate them into armies and orchestrate a NERF war. The possibilities are endless.
For the friend function:
Dressing up in an insane outfit
Drinking a Shirley Temple in a pint glass (extra cherries)
Dancing!! If the music is good, you won’t even notice you aren’t drinking
Asking people questions about themselves (this eats up so much time)
Making my way slowly around the room, speaking to each person exactly once like a bride and then Irish-exiting before midnight.
At the work holiday party:
Literally just don’t go. Unless there’s free food, in which case go for the food and then leave. No one will care!
I used to think drinking was a fabulous accessory, like it made things inherently more enjoyable and stylish and better-than-the-average-whatever. But drinking does not a diva make. If you’re miserable, you wouldn’t be making the holidays any better with a bottle of vodka. It just seems that way bc of all the stupid millennial memes we made in the 2010s.
So in the absence of like, true healing and all that stuff that will hopefully come with time, I say look for as many ways as possible to bring real, substantial enjoyment to your holiday season. And as always, an AA meeting never hurts.
Sending love,
Kat